Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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