I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
