Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
false alarm, still single
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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