Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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