Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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