Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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