He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
