well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
