we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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