jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
