There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
