Your dad touched me again.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
