I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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