I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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