I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
