how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
