Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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