My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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