just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
