he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
