Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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