If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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