Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
