saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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