Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
