she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
