I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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