Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I have fence marks all over my body
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
