oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
