he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
