I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
