my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
