can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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