I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
