This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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