Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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