guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
