I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
