if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
