happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
