My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
