Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
