i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
It was confusing and full of hummus
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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