i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
