Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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