You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
