I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
