i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
