Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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