I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
