I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
