I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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