This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
