I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
